where one door closes..

Wow. Its really been a wee bit since I last posted, I guess a few things have taken place that I nor the people involved really ever expected things to happen or the out comes that took place to end the way they did. I will take a moment an break down a few events that took place since last post.

A fellow friend an some one I love dearly, well time for a while changed between us an a wall of hatred was built between us, an other around us. But there was a time where I was so wrapped up that "karma would get you" kinda phase that even though there where moments of jealousy or hate , I deep down loved an cared for this person, an when that long wanted an a waited karma took its place at the head dinner table. I was suddenly an un controllable sadden for them. Because I realized that for the first TRUE time I never wanted their heart to break, or for them to be sadden. An I pray to those of you! That if you pray, wish, or dream of karma to come to those you seek in revenge, that it never happens, for to see someone you onced love, broken an unsure of. Themselves is one of the worst emotional pains felt. that revenge is not worth any bodies pain, no matter how wrong they have wronged you. So to my dear sweet friend, I'M SORRRRRY. An I am truly sorry your heart hurts.


You know for now my sweet readers, go an take back any of those wrongful thought karmas, an truly just let go an forgive not only them, but yourself an there is no greater joy then that. An you will find that karma and the new joy you have can not compete.

I think this is where I feel I should leave off. Ill up date more later. I love you my sweet kittens !!

letting go, letting the leaves fall

So just as season change and the trees let go of their leaves, we our selfs must let go. In a since we have to let our "leaves" fall, could be that our "leaves" are old relationships, old habits, or they could all very well be new ones. Liker the old saying "there is a time an place for everything." So is there ever a time when our "leaves" won't fall when they are suppose to an we have to do it our selfs an rip the leaves from us?

I have gotten to that point when my leaves started to fall (meaning it was time for me to let go) an here I am with only a few leaves left an I am holding on to them with hopes that if I do so, then the old ones will grow back, an it will all be the way it once was. And in a truth part of me wants to rip those leaves an walk away from the pile in which has fallen. But I can't, something that once even hurt me, I look for hope in,knowing that the season has passed an I should just except what is before me now. An what that is.... Winter.. A moment where everything shuts down and becomes closed in among its self.

So how do we know when to let our "leaves" fall? And to embrace the winter before us?
I guess for now I choose neither, lol, I am keeping my "leaves" even painting some to stay in place, an perparing for my cold an lonely winter that faces me.

Heads on

So I was on my way to indian lake today, to help my dad out at a show, an as I was driving there was this green jeep kinda car that passed me, an I was driving about 75 so he had to be going about 80 mph, so as I am driving along on the highway foLlowing pretty close behind this guy. An all of a sudden I saw this picture flash in my head an felt something terrible was going to happen. So I turned to my mom an told her to sit back an as she did, the green jeep an a car that was comming off the ramp, had a head on collusion with each other, an I was so shocked but yet prepared that I simply slide my car behinde another one an parked on the side of the rode. I simply sat there jumped out an stood ready to help ready to do anything.

How is it that we have moments in life where we question everything we have ever known, an yet an with out a blink of an eye life can change. Glass flies, car windows shatter every where, another car flips. Could that also work in role of our lives, peoples understandings flip, lifes are shattered, love is broken beyond repair? After everything settled an I got back in my car an drove off all these thoughts hit me. That could have been me? God could have prevented that why didn't he? Is it the fact that this car accident was a trail that those people needed to experience in their life? Could it be that this was an eye opener I needed?

I can say this is that I am glad I saw it before it happened so I could prepare myself an my family, I can say that this that perhaps it was gods tender mercy hand allowing the other car to pass, because he knows I wouldn't have been strong enough to over come any thing if something had happened to my family or to myself.

I can honestly say that I am greatfull to be alive even though I have my struggles an my doubt on who I am an where I am going. But I don't have my doubt on there being a God or a doubt that I missed this accident by having seen it before it happened.
Perhaps this post won't all make since to you readers, but if nothing else hug the one your with an be greatful for every moment shared with them good or bad, at least its a moment with them. Because anything can change that in a blink of an eye. Life is head on so brace your self for anything.

A moment of standing an looking in.

This is a post to just take a moment to not write about Clay an I's story but about my own. You know I recently had to leave Utah and come home, because I have been making unwise choices in life, I started drinking and smoking, and making other bad choices. So I got kicked out of my BYU honor code apartment ( meaning no drinking or smoking) and i sat on the floor of my now no longer bedroom cried because I was going to have to make another ANOTHER phone call to my family, letting them know I had failed them, I had failed myself, and I had failed my future. 

This was my second chance with a new life, and I got lost finding that life, and lost it. I lost my faith in the mormon church, in the priesthood, in God. and worst of all, lost my faith within myself. I had lost Clay, lost my dreams of understand an believing in love,  lost my happiness. Through the last few failing months with Clay, I became angry with God. Because no matter how hard I tried to save something I deeply believed in, I couldn't an where was God to step in and save a moment for us. Where was the priesthood to lead me, to teach me to follow my heavenly father, to prepare me for a temple marriage, and instead that chance of having one was taken. 

So I called my mom an told her that I had lost my second chance, and had only 240 dollars to my name and didnt know what to do, so I told her I was coming home, and the next call I made was to Clay, I was baling and crying and told him I didnt know what to do, and just thought he should know, that I was going home to ohio. He asked me if he could see me and talk and I said sure and that I needed him. Next thing I knew that Night he was there. Before this, every once an while Clay an I would talk and try to figure out where things had gone wrong between us, why I hated him so much? Why he still cared so much? an that night we met for a different reason, because for the real first time, we both realized this was the last few moments we would see each other. So we talked and he let me snuggle into his nook and cry and ( when he showed up i was wasted because thats how i fix my problems from time to time) and he sat there with me for HOURS and i finally sobered up and we talked and he said " sorry" for different things that had happened, I forgave for the first time since things had happened, and I truly and deeply said " I was sorry" for things that I did out of anger and fear. But was I really sitting next to the man, that I had believed for so long would some day be my husband, was I really about to leave my home, a job, and going to be missing my first College Graduation?

The answer was Yes, I was. I was driving across the united states all by my self to hopefully Change my life and find some meaning to it all. 

 So here I am typing this, a lot sad and teary that in less then 24 hours will be my first College Graduation, and I will be missing it. For the last 5 days I cry myself asleep every night, knowing I am an adult living back at home, because I failed, I am very lonely here at home, I didnt leave many friends behind when i moved to utah, an the friends I did leave behind an love so dearly now all have lives and things to do. SO here I am lonely, sad I am missing my graduation, jobless, loveless, and Angry at God, my self, and the priesthood. I have always had my ups and downs in life, but not so far down that no matter what anyone trys to do for me lately I cant help but have a constant feeling of hate and anger in my life. 

I am not sure the meaning of  this post except to talk of what my heart is feeling right now as it beats. Or to talk of why my eyes fill with tears every 10 mins an yet I hide myself from my family, from God.  Or that maybe that everynight when I go out side to talk with God, that I stare at the moon and wish for the moment to be snuggling back in your nook, to pray that my phone will go off because you txted me to tell me you need me, ( an every once an while it does) but that I will possibly figure where I need to go. and that maybe the person that will love me one day is also at the very moment, staring that the same moon and praying for me, just as I am them. Because honestly people that is what gets me through each day, knowing that someday I will find my mate, and he will be proud of me over coming my failures and success, an that one day I will have beautiful babies of my own to teach about life. That is something that gets me through to the next day. And so I end this with a tear in my eye for what tomorrow holds, another day of loneness and another night with the moon.

The good the bad and the ugly

So for most of you who don't know me, I am from a little town from ohio, I hated it every second of it. Then I grew up and left the nest and went to college at Southern Virginia University, where I studied Music and Philosophy and Psychology. My true true love is music, but also the study of the mind. After my first year there I decided to go home for like a month or so an I never never felt complete when i was home, like I was missing something, and I was, Utah! 

SURPRISE! I felt that there was so so so much more out there for me, so I said a pray that i was making the right choice, and I knew I was, so I broke the news to my parents and told them I was moving to Utah in four days. So on August 12, I arrived in Utah my new found home, and love for life. there so much took place in my life. 

This is the story about a boy an a girl, who randomly fell n love one day, it all takes place in the Laundry Mat. I couldnt help but notice this guy down the way from me, as i was putting my laundry into the washer and he made me so so nervous, finally he put his laundry in the wash and left, I turned to my best friend and all she did was raise an eyebrow at me. 

 

And just with her look I knew this guy was something special, So next thing I know, he comes back to check his clothes and I can't stop my feet from moving, what are they doing!!! they are walking me right to him...." Hey" ( just to let you all know, i am five feet tall, and this guy is ......6 feet) so i have to look up at him. 

and we start talking an realize instantly that we hit it off, we surprisingly both move to utah at the same time, I am from ohio and he was from Michigan and we both lived in the same apartment complex area, went to the same ward, and I was his sister's visiting teacher. ( though i never taught her)

But at that time, we had been an done the same things for 4 months an never met. So as we were talking I invited him over to watch a movie and chill after laundry, he said sure and gladly came over later that night, and we just talked and he held my hand and then he said, you know I have a Confession to make, Oh ( as i raise an eyebrow) well, you caught be surprise when I first came in that when I was first puting my laundry in I forgot to Put the soap in, so i had to do it again. An i simply just laughed so hard i slightly fell off the couch. 

And from there, the loving text, and dinners took place, and everything seemed perfect with him. He turned to me one day while we were snuggling and he said you fit in my Nook. 

This blog is about Clay an I and this journey through our life, and my ups an downs with in the Mormon Church and his strength and our weakness. And the fights and endings we go through an the second chances we are givin in life.