A moment of standing an looking in.

This is a post to just take a moment to not write about Clay an I's story but about my own. You know I recently had to leave Utah and come home, because I have been making unwise choices in life, I started drinking and smoking, and making other bad choices. So I got kicked out of my BYU honor code apartment ( meaning no drinking or smoking) and i sat on the floor of my now no longer bedroom cried because I was going to have to make another ANOTHER phone call to my family, letting them know I had failed them, I had failed myself, and I had failed my future. 

This was my second chance with a new life, and I got lost finding that life, and lost it. I lost my faith in the mormon church, in the priesthood, in God. and worst of all, lost my faith within myself. I had lost Clay, lost my dreams of understand an believing in love,  lost my happiness. Through the last few failing months with Clay, I became angry with God. Because no matter how hard I tried to save something I deeply believed in, I couldn't an where was God to step in and save a moment for us. Where was the priesthood to lead me, to teach me to follow my heavenly father, to prepare me for a temple marriage, and instead that chance of having one was taken. 

So I called my mom an told her that I had lost my second chance, and had only 240 dollars to my name and didnt know what to do, so I told her I was coming home, and the next call I made was to Clay, I was baling and crying and told him I didnt know what to do, and just thought he should know, that I was going home to ohio. He asked me if he could see me and talk and I said sure and that I needed him. Next thing I knew that Night he was there. Before this, every once an while Clay an I would talk and try to figure out where things had gone wrong between us, why I hated him so much? Why he still cared so much? an that night we met for a different reason, because for the real first time, we both realized this was the last few moments we would see each other. So we talked and he let me snuggle into his nook and cry and ( when he showed up i was wasted because thats how i fix my problems from time to time) and he sat there with me for HOURS and i finally sobered up and we talked and he said " sorry" for different things that had happened, I forgave for the first time since things had happened, and I truly and deeply said " I was sorry" for things that I did out of anger and fear. But was I really sitting next to the man, that I had believed for so long would some day be my husband, was I really about to leave my home, a job, and going to be missing my first College Graduation?

The answer was Yes, I was. I was driving across the united states all by my self to hopefully Change my life and find some meaning to it all. 

 So here I am typing this, a lot sad and teary that in less then 24 hours will be my first College Graduation, and I will be missing it. For the last 5 days I cry myself asleep every night, knowing I am an adult living back at home, because I failed, I am very lonely here at home, I didnt leave many friends behind when i moved to utah, an the friends I did leave behind an love so dearly now all have lives and things to do. SO here I am lonely, sad I am missing my graduation, jobless, loveless, and Angry at God, my self, and the priesthood. I have always had my ups and downs in life, but not so far down that no matter what anyone trys to do for me lately I cant help but have a constant feeling of hate and anger in my life. 

I am not sure the meaning of  this post except to talk of what my heart is feeling right now as it beats. Or to talk of why my eyes fill with tears every 10 mins an yet I hide myself from my family, from God.  Or that maybe that everynight when I go out side to talk with God, that I stare at the moon and wish for the moment to be snuggling back in your nook, to pray that my phone will go off because you txted me to tell me you need me, ( an every once an while it does) but that I will possibly figure where I need to go. and that maybe the person that will love me one day is also at the very moment, staring that the same moon and praying for me, just as I am them. Because honestly people that is what gets me through each day, knowing that someday I will find my mate, and he will be proud of me over coming my failures and success, an that one day I will have beautiful babies of my own to teach about life. That is something that gets me through to the next day. And so I end this with a tear in my eye for what tomorrow holds, another day of loneness and another night with the moon.