oh spring cleaning

So every year as joyful spring time rolls around, its time for a good ol'spring cleaning, weither that be of the house, car, or even in bits of life.
So as things have happened the last few days. A.C an I are no longer in contact. We have decided to go our seperate ways. An old friend has reentered my life, Alexandra, Me and my ol'friend went out on a date all three of us, for some dennys, tried a new hairstyle its exciting.

But now having this old friend re enter my life, after having been working on my self, an doing some therpy, an albe to see how in a Year an half of him an I not having more then a txting friendship, we all sat for hours bonding over lost time. An reminiced over what our first date an what our last date was like.
It was great to see change come into my life, an see things moving for the better.

I do hope that ...things will continue to move forward for the better.

On another topic, I delt with part of my past yesterday, still not sure how to take it all in an understand everything that happened.

Well back to spring cleaning

Take care kittens
Remember a clean home is a happy home.

-mare

when our sun sets together..

So about 6 months ago, off an on you would tell me how you wanted to fly me back to utah, possibly live together, an then you call an change your mind, an then we'd talk about things, fight a bit about things. Well remember when we would talk about how much I miss you like how the sun misses the moon. Well finally I am here in utah, did the journey completely on my own, becoming an indepented women, driving an learning this whole trip on my own.

Well now where I'm here an our sun sets can be equal an together. You'r suddenly on different pages in life. Well how does this make any since. An you tell me to slow down? Well your a grown ass man, an what I'm offering you, you should be excited to have someone who wants to be a team mate an help each other with one anothers burden an be willing to carry together rather then so seperate.

I have so far proven that I will put up with far more then any other girl, let's see here the list of things most other people would have dropped ur ass on all this bull shit.

1.) 4 months after knowing you, I find out I didn't even know your real name!
2.) (With held) information about other wee ones that you have.
3.) Married an divorced.
4.) Jail record


But besides all these many other things that don't make since. But as time has gone on, I've realized one of the most important things about you, you have the most beauitful soul I have even seen. An I will continue to put up with things, bc what I see in you is far more important then any thing that you have done in your past.

But when do u realize my beauty? An my soul? That's what I want, perhaps once an awhile of compliments an encouragment.

Finally after all this time, please can our sun sets finally start setting on the same page?

Well kittens,
Please continue enjoying the beauty that god has set before us. The fact that even when we stand on our own, our sun will continue to rise an set.

Love
Mare

Another Eyebrow Raising moment

So kittens,
I completely understand how life gets crazy an we all have things that come up, but what is it with men. Why is it that you make planes with someone, but dont call then or truly text them to let them know that the situtation has changed. But no you make us women stick our necks on the line to call you or text you to see what is going on. MEN thats not our job, an for me being a stupid girl by calling you an trying ot make it ok, is bad on my part.

But AC, you let me down tonight, we are making such good direction in our "relationship" if you can even call it that. an i stupidly keep getting ahead of myself. I shouldnt let my heart control my emotions as much as i do. I shouldnt have my heart set on you.

I need to just breath an let things go, an perhaps open up my heart an my emotions to you an then....maybe just then you would understand who i am more.

Well Kittens, I guess this is just a night where my eyebrows where raised an...sadden a bit

Gaurd your hearts, an your mind.

Love you kittens

Mare

What the hell?

ALRIIGHTY!

So...i just have been excitedly waiting all weekend for AC to get back to sweet utah from a long business trip, so i was super giggly an excited for him. i know he is so used to coming an going an flying from here to there. But as i told him tonight, i will always be thrilled to see you arrive home safly. But, so we had a fun an nice car ride Back to his neck of the woods. So was we drove along, he ask me with a smile. " Join me for a date this weekend?" ahhh in side i was wanted to shoot an let go of the wheel an hug him an kiss him, because iam sure a girl i get so excited over shit like this, an i mean..of all things in life, i love flowers more then....DIAMONDS..(well...kinda :) ) hahah

well anyways as i got him home safly, he had me drop him off at a gas station? so that his babies mama could pick him up with his kids. You know, if you know me, i love an deeply cheerish everything about children. and would always expect him to always put his children first. never would i make someone not put his family first. I mean as the saying goes. GOD, then FAMILY, then other things. an i live by that..well try to...not always succeddding.

But part of me as i dropped him off, left wording if i was just a bus?

I guess this is just a moment of being a stupid girl.
*sigh*

I should really take his advice an stop thinking so much.

well Kittens, I love you

Mare

a ride worth doing again..

Alright kittens, so as I last stated that I would be moving back june 10, well...I actually moved back to Utah on March 19, I drove for three days by myself. I took all my "lifes plans" an layed them before me during this drive, an had rearrange "life". I suddenly was arriving to a home I was unsure of what was ahead. The thoughts of constant job hunting, an dating. Whoah, let me tell you, my first week here..it seemed like a date almost every day. But now that I've settled in abit I am not really into the whole dating since. I wanna wait for that one mr. Right.

Well on the whole note of "love" someone I love truly, friend an as a stranger (in many ways). We reconnected when I got back to utah, even before I moved back we would connect with txt, an emails, random phone calls. Even though I was miles an miles away from him, I love this person. What sad is as the more I put pieces together, come to find out I didn't know his real name, but this name he created for the person he was. And it didn't phase me, I knew that we all hide things from one another.

But here I am an I long for something that seems so far away. You know how they say u must love yourself first before you can love someone else. Well I call bull shit!! Bc I find that I as a person grow stronger an love life more fully when I am with someone. ..goodness..there is so much to this that I'd love to go into detail with, an I shall another day. Bc tomorrow is a day working interviews that I must perpare for.

World of business.
Mare

The time has come

So every year there is a time that comes around that i get so exicted for but it always seems to flop out, an what would that be... MY MOTHER FUCKEN BIRTHDAY BITCHES! and lately..i dunno life does suck now an again. but the clouds an their sliver lineings are starting to show through!

So iam going to be 22, and...have no plans, i guess since last year sucked an had a shitty boyfriend then that didnt do anything. I was hoping for this year to turn around. and i was going to plan something but i kinda feel that i shouldnt have to plan my birthday i guess? and now haveing to split my birthday with one of my friends an her boyfriends,....i kinda feel like i should cancell i guess. i dunno what to do.

any ideas??

on brighter news.... I AM MOVING BACK TO UTAH JUNE 10!!!

and cant wait to be with someone truly amazing... ;) and getting to be in my bestfriends wedding and she an her wonderful soon to be husband have offered me a place to stay!!! so i will be getting to live with the greatest ppl ever!!

well.. thats it for now

love

mare

Lightning in your eyes

So I have noticed how some of you use your words to play off other people, or to feed people what they want to hear. Sure we all do it from time to time, but where do you draw the line, instead of doing from time to time, your the person doing it constantly just to keep...everyone close to you, to feed your ego.
But I have caught on your little game, you telling me things that you know i want to hear, so that i'll stay around, feed your ego, feed your sexual needs. and then you go an tell me all the bad stuff that other people tell about me so i cry to you and bitch to you about how nasty those mean people are! Well sweetheart, eventually your own game will catch up to you, you talk about how a few of us have cheated on your or cheated on life, well...your not so great yourself, because deep down, we cheated because we knew you had already done it mentally, or where going to physically. Does that justify what we did or WHO we did, or..WHO'S we did. lol, ummm no probly not, two wrongs don't make a right, but they do make one hell of a left.

But I should admit, I do love hearing the stories about how other's view me, kinda feed of the "news". And...I also have annoucement to admit.... ALERT THE PRESS!...(drumm roll please)... I also keep you ALL around to feed my ego, because..life is about test, or life is one big dance right? Sure we had our shitty moments together, and our really hot sexual moments, and our spirtiual up lifting moments, and Now at this point of ...what shall we call it.. LIMBO, is it really just the truth to possibly say we are both just keeping eachother around for entertainment? True feelings?

Because deep down you and I both know that...if i wanted I could date anybody, just put on a mask and be little mis perfect, or Golddigger, or Bad Sex craved Women, or..the girl next door. but honey in all honesty that even i cant denie is that...you know the true me, no mask needed.
Like i noted before this year is a turning point to HAPPINESS..but...at what coast? or..at what persons expencise? You an I both know that I will have that house on the hill..no matter what. I know where I am going, I know the goals I have the dreams I have. I would like you to be part of them, but really aren't we both replaceable to eachother? Love is just about who brings the most to the poker table. The one with the highest Bid.

Well honey I am sitting at this poker tabel..all i need is one more player...wanna join?

Looking for the next bid.
Mare

as the snow falls....

So I know it's been a while, and...its time for an update, well...I have been home from utah, for about...almost 6 months, and so much has happened, adjusting to..living with the foks as really hard. I had a huge wake up call and kicked all my habits, I found love for me in my scriptures and tender mercies where shown to me by my heavenly father, I stopped doing so much wrong and holding so much hate, and started to forgive and...learn to say sorry. I stopped dating because..so far, I realize i dont want to waste my kisses on some guy..who in the end..was just a nobody.
I realize I had caused a lot of wrong when I had been giving the chance..to do a lot of good. I stepped on a lot of toes before I left and one thing that hasnt changed..is even when i say i am sorry to those i left behind..they cant seem to forgive, except for one person *buggy*. I found out that...that rest of you dont matter to me, and all i can do is say sorry an know that the rest of it is on you, an what you choose to do with that apologie is between you an god. I also have read in my scriptures that when we are judged at the last day, its not just a judgement between God an I ...but all will be in attendce, and that...when you *people who cant really forgive me* are judged at the last day, i will in attendence along with everyone else. I have made a new years resolution that when that judgement day comes, instead of everyone seeing all the wrong i did, i want them to see all the GOOD I DID and OVER CAME THE BAD!

But, as my internship with Gordon Orthodontics is comming to an end an its been wonderful and the best experience into the adult world of business.

but the most important annoucement that i want to make is ... I AM MOVING BACK TO UTAH!!! and...trying it all again, but things are different for me, my moral and goals are different.

I have this i guess you could call "love triangle thing" going on, i am being considered for reDATING along with a nother girl, sure this guy has feelings for both of us women, but we are both two different girls to be comparied to. and i see my self as a more mature and more "goal orianted" women and when i look at this other female, i see her as a stupid fake highschool girl, who still has so much to learn. and i just dont get how the choice isnt obvious here!! and i know as a women i should STAND UP FOR myself, mark my line in the sand, say no way! and not let myself be compared to someone else. That i should simply say, if you dont love me or care for me an only me. then your not for me! and make it obvious that i dont put up will bull crap. and secertly deep down, i dont know if even "REDATIN" is that great of an idea anyways, and if it didnt work before it wont work now, but we are totally different ppl then before an that if it could work, if he choose to be an honest man and kick her to the curb. and that i was an honest women and learned to control my anger and love the lord more. but i know..that this could be amazing if we both tried, but would trying be even an option?

and part of me...wants to see..if there is more out there, you know someone who would want to build a house on the hill with me, and not for me. someone..who works as a team and not as the head leader.
I want to fufill that dream as little girl and want to have that prince charming.

All i know is at the end of the day, that...I can only try to listen an be a good friend and understand to the best of my "understanding" lol.
and in the end, when the sun sets on all things, as long as he has happiness, even if i am not part of the happiness, that is what matters to me the most.

HAPPINESS!

Mare