oh spring cleaning

So every year as joyful spring time rolls around, its time for a good ol'spring cleaning, weither that be of the house, car, or even in bits of life.
So as things have happened the last few days. A.C an I are no longer in contact. We have decided to go our seperate ways. An old friend has reentered my life, Alexandra, Me and my ol'friend went out on a date all three of us, for some dennys, tried a new hairstyle its exciting.

But now having this old friend re enter my life, after having been working on my self, an doing some therpy, an albe to see how in a Year an half of him an I not having more then a txting friendship, we all sat for hours bonding over lost time. An reminiced over what our first date an what our last date was like.
It was great to see change come into my life, an see things moving for the better.

I do hope that ...things will continue to move forward for the better.

On another topic, I delt with part of my past yesterday, still not sure how to take it all in an understand everything that happened.

Well back to spring cleaning

Take care kittens
Remember a clean home is a happy home.

-mare

when our sun sets together..

So about 6 months ago, off an on you would tell me how you wanted to fly me back to utah, possibly live together, an then you call an change your mind, an then we'd talk about things, fight a bit about things. Well remember when we would talk about how much I miss you like how the sun misses the moon. Well finally I am here in utah, did the journey completely on my own, becoming an indepented women, driving an learning this whole trip on my own.

Well now where I'm here an our sun sets can be equal an together. You'r suddenly on different pages in life. Well how does this make any since. An you tell me to slow down? Well your a grown ass man, an what I'm offering you, you should be excited to have someone who wants to be a team mate an help each other with one anothers burden an be willing to carry together rather then so seperate.

I have so far proven that I will put up with far more then any other girl, let's see here the list of things most other people would have dropped ur ass on all this bull shit.

1.) 4 months after knowing you, I find out I didn't even know your real name!
2.) (With held) information about other wee ones that you have.
3.) Married an divorced.
4.) Jail record


But besides all these many other things that don't make since. But as time has gone on, I've realized one of the most important things about you, you have the most beauitful soul I have even seen. An I will continue to put up with things, bc what I see in you is far more important then any thing that you have done in your past.

But when do u realize my beauty? An my soul? That's what I want, perhaps once an awhile of compliments an encouragment.

Finally after all this time, please can our sun sets finally start setting on the same page?

Well kittens,
Please continue enjoying the beauty that god has set before us. The fact that even when we stand on our own, our sun will continue to rise an set.

Love
Mare

Another Eyebrow Raising moment

So kittens,
I completely understand how life gets crazy an we all have things that come up, but what is it with men. Why is it that you make planes with someone, but dont call then or truly text them to let them know that the situtation has changed. But no you make us women stick our necks on the line to call you or text you to see what is going on. MEN thats not our job, an for me being a stupid girl by calling you an trying ot make it ok, is bad on my part.

But AC, you let me down tonight, we are making such good direction in our "relationship" if you can even call it that. an i stupidly keep getting ahead of myself. I shouldnt let my heart control my emotions as much as i do. I shouldnt have my heart set on you.

I need to just breath an let things go, an perhaps open up my heart an my emotions to you an then....maybe just then you would understand who i am more.

Well Kittens, I guess this is just a night where my eyebrows where raised an...sadden a bit

Gaurd your hearts, an your mind.

Love you kittens

Mare

What the hell?

ALRIIGHTY!

So...i just have been excitedly waiting all weekend for AC to get back to sweet utah from a long business trip, so i was super giggly an excited for him. i know he is so used to coming an going an flying from here to there. But as i told him tonight, i will always be thrilled to see you arrive home safly. But, so we had a fun an nice car ride Back to his neck of the woods. So was we drove along, he ask me with a smile. " Join me for a date this weekend?" ahhh in side i was wanted to shoot an let go of the wheel an hug him an kiss him, because iam sure a girl i get so excited over shit like this, an i mean..of all things in life, i love flowers more then....DIAMONDS..(well...kinda :) ) hahah

well anyways as i got him home safly, he had me drop him off at a gas station? so that his babies mama could pick him up with his kids. You know, if you know me, i love an deeply cheerish everything about children. and would always expect him to always put his children first. never would i make someone not put his family first. I mean as the saying goes. GOD, then FAMILY, then other things. an i live by that..well try to...not always succeddding.

But part of me as i dropped him off, left wording if i was just a bus?

I guess this is just a moment of being a stupid girl.
*sigh*

I should really take his advice an stop thinking so much.

well Kittens, I love you

Mare

a ride worth doing again..

Alright kittens, so as I last stated that I would be moving back june 10, well...I actually moved back to Utah on March 19, I drove for three days by myself. I took all my "lifes plans" an layed them before me during this drive, an had rearrange "life". I suddenly was arriving to a home I was unsure of what was ahead. The thoughts of constant job hunting, an dating. Whoah, let me tell you, my first week here..it seemed like a date almost every day. But now that I've settled in abit I am not really into the whole dating since. I wanna wait for that one mr. Right.

Well on the whole note of "love" someone I love truly, friend an as a stranger (in many ways). We reconnected when I got back to utah, even before I moved back we would connect with txt, an emails, random phone calls. Even though I was miles an miles away from him, I love this person. What sad is as the more I put pieces together, come to find out I didn't know his real name, but this name he created for the person he was. And it didn't phase me, I knew that we all hide things from one another.

But here I am an I long for something that seems so far away. You know how they say u must love yourself first before you can love someone else. Well I call bull shit!! Bc I find that I as a person grow stronger an love life more fully when I am with someone. ..goodness..there is so much to this that I'd love to go into detail with, an I shall another day. Bc tomorrow is a day working interviews that I must perpare for.

World of business.
Mare

The time has come

So every year there is a time that comes around that i get so exicted for but it always seems to flop out, an what would that be... MY MOTHER FUCKEN BIRTHDAY BITCHES! and lately..i dunno life does suck now an again. but the clouds an their sliver lineings are starting to show through!

So iam going to be 22, and...have no plans, i guess since last year sucked an had a shitty boyfriend then that didnt do anything. I was hoping for this year to turn around. and i was going to plan something but i kinda feel that i shouldnt have to plan my birthday i guess? and now haveing to split my birthday with one of my friends an her boyfriends,....i kinda feel like i should cancell i guess. i dunno what to do.

any ideas??

on brighter news.... I AM MOVING BACK TO UTAH JUNE 10!!!

and cant wait to be with someone truly amazing... ;) and getting to be in my bestfriends wedding and she an her wonderful soon to be husband have offered me a place to stay!!! so i will be getting to live with the greatest ppl ever!!

well.. thats it for now

love

mare

Lightning in your eyes

So I have noticed how some of you use your words to play off other people, or to feed people what they want to hear. Sure we all do it from time to time, but where do you draw the line, instead of doing from time to time, your the person doing it constantly just to keep...everyone close to you, to feed your ego.
But I have caught on your little game, you telling me things that you know i want to hear, so that i'll stay around, feed your ego, feed your sexual needs. and then you go an tell me all the bad stuff that other people tell about me so i cry to you and bitch to you about how nasty those mean people are! Well sweetheart, eventually your own game will catch up to you, you talk about how a few of us have cheated on your or cheated on life, well...your not so great yourself, because deep down, we cheated because we knew you had already done it mentally, or where going to physically. Does that justify what we did or WHO we did, or..WHO'S we did. lol, ummm no probly not, two wrongs don't make a right, but they do make one hell of a left.

But I should admit, I do love hearing the stories about how other's view me, kinda feed of the "news". And...I also have annoucement to admit.... ALERT THE PRESS!...(drumm roll please)... I also keep you ALL around to feed my ego, because..life is about test, or life is one big dance right? Sure we had our shitty moments together, and our really hot sexual moments, and our spirtiual up lifting moments, and Now at this point of ...what shall we call it.. LIMBO, is it really just the truth to possibly say we are both just keeping eachother around for entertainment? True feelings?

Because deep down you and I both know that...if i wanted I could date anybody, just put on a mask and be little mis perfect, or Golddigger, or Bad Sex craved Women, or..the girl next door. but honey in all honesty that even i cant denie is that...you know the true me, no mask needed.
Like i noted before this year is a turning point to HAPPINESS..but...at what coast? or..at what persons expencise? You an I both know that I will have that house on the hill..no matter what. I know where I am going, I know the goals I have the dreams I have. I would like you to be part of them, but really aren't we both replaceable to eachother? Love is just about who brings the most to the poker table. The one with the highest Bid.

Well honey I am sitting at this poker tabel..all i need is one more player...wanna join?

Looking for the next bid.
Mare

as the snow falls....

So I know it's been a while, and...its time for an update, well...I have been home from utah, for about...almost 6 months, and so much has happened, adjusting to..living with the foks as really hard. I had a huge wake up call and kicked all my habits, I found love for me in my scriptures and tender mercies where shown to me by my heavenly father, I stopped doing so much wrong and holding so much hate, and started to forgive and...learn to say sorry. I stopped dating because..so far, I realize i dont want to waste my kisses on some guy..who in the end..was just a nobody.
I realize I had caused a lot of wrong when I had been giving the chance..to do a lot of good. I stepped on a lot of toes before I left and one thing that hasnt changed..is even when i say i am sorry to those i left behind..they cant seem to forgive, except for one person *buggy*. I found out that...that rest of you dont matter to me, and all i can do is say sorry an know that the rest of it is on you, an what you choose to do with that apologie is between you an god. I also have read in my scriptures that when we are judged at the last day, its not just a judgement between God an I ...but all will be in attendce, and that...when you *people who cant really forgive me* are judged at the last day, i will in attendence along with everyone else. I have made a new years resolution that when that judgement day comes, instead of everyone seeing all the wrong i did, i want them to see all the GOOD I DID and OVER CAME THE BAD!

But, as my internship with Gordon Orthodontics is comming to an end an its been wonderful and the best experience into the adult world of business.

but the most important annoucement that i want to make is ... I AM MOVING BACK TO UTAH!!! and...trying it all again, but things are different for me, my moral and goals are different.

I have this i guess you could call "love triangle thing" going on, i am being considered for reDATING along with a nother girl, sure this guy has feelings for both of us women, but we are both two different girls to be comparied to. and i see my self as a more mature and more "goal orianted" women and when i look at this other female, i see her as a stupid fake highschool girl, who still has so much to learn. and i just dont get how the choice isnt obvious here!! and i know as a women i should STAND UP FOR myself, mark my line in the sand, say no way! and not let myself be compared to someone else. That i should simply say, if you dont love me or care for me an only me. then your not for me! and make it obvious that i dont put up will bull crap. and secertly deep down, i dont know if even "REDATIN" is that great of an idea anyways, and if it didnt work before it wont work now, but we are totally different ppl then before an that if it could work, if he choose to be an honest man and kick her to the curb. and that i was an honest women and learned to control my anger and love the lord more. but i know..that this could be amazing if we both tried, but would trying be even an option?

and part of me...wants to see..if there is more out there, you know someone who would want to build a house on the hill with me, and not for me. someone..who works as a team and not as the head leader.
I want to fufill that dream as little girl and want to have that prince charming.

All i know is at the end of the day, that...I can only try to listen an be a good friend and understand to the best of my "understanding" lol.
and in the end, when the sun sets on all things, as long as he has happiness, even if i am not part of the happiness, that is what matters to me the most.

HAPPINESS!

Mare

where one door closes..

Wow. Its really been a wee bit since I last posted, I guess a few things have taken place that I nor the people involved really ever expected things to happen or the out comes that took place to end the way they did. I will take a moment an break down a few events that took place since last post.

A fellow friend an some one I love dearly, well time for a while changed between us an a wall of hatred was built between us, an other around us. But there was a time where I was so wrapped up that "karma would get you" kinda phase that even though there where moments of jealousy or hate , I deep down loved an cared for this person, an when that long wanted an a waited karma took its place at the head dinner table. I was suddenly an un controllable sadden for them. Because I realized that for the first TRUE time I never wanted their heart to break, or for them to be sadden. An I pray to those of you! That if you pray, wish, or dream of karma to come to those you seek in revenge, that it never happens, for to see someone you onced love, broken an unsure of. Themselves is one of the worst emotional pains felt. that revenge is not worth any bodies pain, no matter how wrong they have wronged you. So to my dear sweet friend, I'M SORRRRRY. An I am truly sorry your heart hurts.


You know for now my sweet readers, go an take back any of those wrongful thought karmas, an truly just let go an forgive not only them, but yourself an there is no greater joy then that. An you will find that karma and the new joy you have can not compete.

I think this is where I feel I should leave off. Ill up date more later. I love you my sweet kittens !!

letting go, letting the leaves fall

So just as season change and the trees let go of their leaves, we our selfs must let go. In a since we have to let our "leaves" fall, could be that our "leaves" are old relationships, old habits, or they could all very well be new ones. Liker the old saying "there is a time an place for everything." So is there ever a time when our "leaves" won't fall when they are suppose to an we have to do it our selfs an rip the leaves from us?

I have gotten to that point when my leaves started to fall (meaning it was time for me to let go) an here I am with only a few leaves left an I am holding on to them with hopes that if I do so, then the old ones will grow back, an it will all be the way it once was. And in a truth part of me wants to rip those leaves an walk away from the pile in which has fallen. But I can't, something that once even hurt me, I look for hope in,knowing that the season has passed an I should just except what is before me now. An what that is.... Winter.. A moment where everything shuts down and becomes closed in among its self.

So how do we know when to let our "leaves" fall? And to embrace the winter before us?
I guess for now I choose neither, lol, I am keeping my "leaves" even painting some to stay in place, an perparing for my cold an lonely winter that faces me.

Heads on

So I was on my way to indian lake today, to help my dad out at a show, an as I was driving there was this green jeep kinda car that passed me, an I was driving about 75 so he had to be going about 80 mph, so as I am driving along on the highway foLlowing pretty close behind this guy. An all of a sudden I saw this picture flash in my head an felt something terrible was going to happen. So I turned to my mom an told her to sit back an as she did, the green jeep an a car that was comming off the ramp, had a head on collusion with each other, an I was so shocked but yet prepared that I simply slide my car behinde another one an parked on the side of the rode. I simply sat there jumped out an stood ready to help ready to do anything.

How is it that we have moments in life where we question everything we have ever known, an yet an with out a blink of an eye life can change. Glass flies, car windows shatter every where, another car flips. Could that also work in role of our lives, peoples understandings flip, lifes are shattered, love is broken beyond repair? After everything settled an I got back in my car an drove off all these thoughts hit me. That could have been me? God could have prevented that why didn't he? Is it the fact that this car accident was a trail that those people needed to experience in their life? Could it be that this was an eye opener I needed?

I can say this is that I am glad I saw it before it happened so I could prepare myself an my family, I can say that this that perhaps it was gods tender mercy hand allowing the other car to pass, because he knows I wouldn't have been strong enough to over come any thing if something had happened to my family or to myself.

I can honestly say that I am greatfull to be alive even though I have my struggles an my doubt on who I am an where I am going. But I don't have my doubt on there being a God or a doubt that I missed this accident by having seen it before it happened.
Perhaps this post won't all make since to you readers, but if nothing else hug the one your with an be greatful for every moment shared with them good or bad, at least its a moment with them. Because anything can change that in a blink of an eye. Life is head on so brace your self for anything.

A moment of standing an looking in.

This is a post to just take a moment to not write about Clay an I's story but about my own. You know I recently had to leave Utah and come home, because I have been making unwise choices in life, I started drinking and smoking, and making other bad choices. So I got kicked out of my BYU honor code apartment ( meaning no drinking or smoking) and i sat on the floor of my now no longer bedroom cried because I was going to have to make another ANOTHER phone call to my family, letting them know I had failed them, I had failed myself, and I had failed my future. 

This was my second chance with a new life, and I got lost finding that life, and lost it. I lost my faith in the mormon church, in the priesthood, in God. and worst of all, lost my faith within myself. I had lost Clay, lost my dreams of understand an believing in love,  lost my happiness. Through the last few failing months with Clay, I became angry with God. Because no matter how hard I tried to save something I deeply believed in, I couldn't an where was God to step in and save a moment for us. Where was the priesthood to lead me, to teach me to follow my heavenly father, to prepare me for a temple marriage, and instead that chance of having one was taken. 

So I called my mom an told her that I had lost my second chance, and had only 240 dollars to my name and didnt know what to do, so I told her I was coming home, and the next call I made was to Clay, I was baling and crying and told him I didnt know what to do, and just thought he should know, that I was going home to ohio. He asked me if he could see me and talk and I said sure and that I needed him. Next thing I knew that Night he was there. Before this, every once an while Clay an I would talk and try to figure out where things had gone wrong between us, why I hated him so much? Why he still cared so much? an that night we met for a different reason, because for the real first time, we both realized this was the last few moments we would see each other. So we talked and he let me snuggle into his nook and cry and ( when he showed up i was wasted because thats how i fix my problems from time to time) and he sat there with me for HOURS and i finally sobered up and we talked and he said " sorry" for different things that had happened, I forgave for the first time since things had happened, and I truly and deeply said " I was sorry" for things that I did out of anger and fear. But was I really sitting next to the man, that I had believed for so long would some day be my husband, was I really about to leave my home, a job, and going to be missing my first College Graduation?

The answer was Yes, I was. I was driving across the united states all by my self to hopefully Change my life and find some meaning to it all. 

 So here I am typing this, a lot sad and teary that in less then 24 hours will be my first College Graduation, and I will be missing it. For the last 5 days I cry myself asleep every night, knowing I am an adult living back at home, because I failed, I am very lonely here at home, I didnt leave many friends behind when i moved to utah, an the friends I did leave behind an love so dearly now all have lives and things to do. SO here I am lonely, sad I am missing my graduation, jobless, loveless, and Angry at God, my self, and the priesthood. I have always had my ups and downs in life, but not so far down that no matter what anyone trys to do for me lately I cant help but have a constant feeling of hate and anger in my life. 

I am not sure the meaning of  this post except to talk of what my heart is feeling right now as it beats. Or to talk of why my eyes fill with tears every 10 mins an yet I hide myself from my family, from God.  Or that maybe that everynight when I go out side to talk with God, that I stare at the moon and wish for the moment to be snuggling back in your nook, to pray that my phone will go off because you txted me to tell me you need me, ( an every once an while it does) but that I will possibly figure where I need to go. and that maybe the person that will love me one day is also at the very moment, staring that the same moon and praying for me, just as I am them. Because honestly people that is what gets me through each day, knowing that someday I will find my mate, and he will be proud of me over coming my failures and success, an that one day I will have beautiful babies of my own to teach about life. That is something that gets me through to the next day. And so I end this with a tear in my eye for what tomorrow holds, another day of loneness and another night with the moon.

The good the bad and the ugly

So for most of you who don't know me, I am from a little town from ohio, I hated it every second of it. Then I grew up and left the nest and went to college at Southern Virginia University, where I studied Music and Philosophy and Psychology. My true true love is music, but also the study of the mind. After my first year there I decided to go home for like a month or so an I never never felt complete when i was home, like I was missing something, and I was, Utah! 

SURPRISE! I felt that there was so so so much more out there for me, so I said a pray that i was making the right choice, and I knew I was, so I broke the news to my parents and told them I was moving to Utah in four days. So on August 12, I arrived in Utah my new found home, and love for life. there so much took place in my life. 

This is the story about a boy an a girl, who randomly fell n love one day, it all takes place in the Laundry Mat. I couldnt help but notice this guy down the way from me, as i was putting my laundry into the washer and he made me so so nervous, finally he put his laundry in the wash and left, I turned to my best friend and all she did was raise an eyebrow at me. 

 

And just with her look I knew this guy was something special, So next thing I know, he comes back to check his clothes and I can't stop my feet from moving, what are they doing!!! they are walking me right to him...." Hey" ( just to let you all know, i am five feet tall, and this guy is ......6 feet) so i have to look up at him. 

and we start talking an realize instantly that we hit it off, we surprisingly both move to utah at the same time, I am from ohio and he was from Michigan and we both lived in the same apartment complex area, went to the same ward, and I was his sister's visiting teacher. ( though i never taught her)

But at that time, we had been an done the same things for 4 months an never met. So as we were talking I invited him over to watch a movie and chill after laundry, he said sure and gladly came over later that night, and we just talked and he held my hand and then he said, you know I have a Confession to make, Oh ( as i raise an eyebrow) well, you caught be surprise when I first came in that when I was first puting my laundry in I forgot to Put the soap in, so i had to do it again. An i simply just laughed so hard i slightly fell off the couch. 

And from there, the loving text, and dinners took place, and everything seemed perfect with him. He turned to me one day while we were snuggling and he said you fit in my Nook. 

This blog is about Clay an I and this journey through our life, and my ups an downs with in the Mormon Church and his strength and our weakness. And the fights and endings we go through an the second chances we are givin in life.